Whatever makes you angry is the thing that matters most to you.
Tell me what makes your blood boil and it will soon be clear to me where you see injustice. And if we talk long enough, you’ll reveal a painful story that explains that anger.
Anger is the most basic and fundamental human emotion. It is a response in the body when something isn’t right and we want to do something about it immediately. We learn this very early in our childhood. As toddlers, when we couldn’t have what we wanted, we threw a fit. It was called a tantrum. And the way we were parented in that moment shaped what we think of anger as adults.
Anger is incredibly important for a person to express. So much so that it must be allowed to have a voice, even in that Terrible-Two phase. But If you were like me as a child and told to shut up and be quiet, I did not grow up knowing how to deal with my anger. The model given to me was to stuff it inside and keep it to myself. Little did I know this was detrimental and unhelpful in my development.
This caused me to grow up not liking adults. Adults were angry, and untrustworthy, especially my teachers and coaches. They gave me the same advice as my parents when I felt like matters were unfair. I was told to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!! They offloaded their anger on me, but I, in turn, could not respond and be angry. So I had to ignore it and close it off.
As I grew into adulthood and got married, I brought with me all my childhood training on anger and the beliefs therein. Conflict was never resolved with my spouse. For nearly 30 years, I buried my anger, believing I was doing the right thing. This would change suddenly when I became a widower.
The morning after my wife died, I felt a sudden rush of anger. I did not know what was happening inside me. I thought to myself, “isn’t this the time to be sad?” But I soon came to understand: Wherever I find anger, sadness is always close by.
56 years of denying anger was about to change.
I was uncomfortable with this new realization. Never in my life was I allowed to feel angry. What was I supposed to do with this?
I did with it what everyone should do when anger surges. I asked myself, “Why am I angry?”
Most people have no idea how to answer that question.
If you’re like me, you were never taught to address anger properly, so you don’t even know where to start. Or worse, you have become so angry for so long, you’ve acclimatized to the feeling of anger that it is easier to feel mad than sad.
Anger is a response. It’s not a solution. Anger is never intended to lead the way forward. It is best seen as a sentry, a watchman, ready to point out injustice and call the community to action. If that summons is an angry one, it will only lead to more anger.
Anger must always be instructed by Love and Wisdom. If it doesn’t look to these two guides, it will turn to Rage. And Rage has only one goal in mind.
Destruction.
Anger always has a choice when called up. It can seek Love or devolve into Rage. If it follows the former, fruitful solutions are possible. If the choice is the latter, no one is better off. Rage loves revenge. It could care less about forgiveness.
There is plenty to be angry about these days. But nothing is worth turning over control to rage. The better future will only be led by Love and Wisdom.
Know thyself. Know why you’re angry. Know what it is doing inside you and be aware of the seduction of rage. You’re angry for a reason. Let it lead to a productive solution, not a destructive one.
