My daughter got married in October. Her central theme in the design of her ceremony was, “The Best is Yet to Come.” A bold proclamation from the young woman whose mother wasn’t with her on the most memorable of days. So is that just a nice sentiment or is it a rock solid foundation on which my daughter can stake her claim for a better future?
I, too, am in a significant relationship. She was a guest in my restaurant three seasons ago. I describe our story as two people who connected immediately, with common interests, aligned values and a deep, resonant spiritual bond that is difficult to describe. But in addition to all of these commonalities, we shared something else alike: We came carrying common baggage from previous marriages. These cumbersome suitcases were filled with past hurt, childhood trauma, rejection and abandonment, just to name a few. It didn’t take long for all our old dirty laundry to get aired and leave an unavoidable mess. We saw each other for about four months until I called it off. I couldn’t figure out why, with all we shared, we kept having conflict. I thought to myself, maybe I’m just not wired up for a relationship at this late stage of my life. Maybe it’s just too hard and I should just carry on the best I can on my own. Not a very hopeful conclusion.
So does my daughter’s phrase, The Best is Yet to Come, apply to us at our midlife season? Can it get better with us? Would we be able to jettison the unneeded trunks full of our past that would not serve us into a better future.?
My answer is unequivocal. Yes. And not just yes to us, but for anyone who needs a do-over.
Wherever Hope resides, the better future is always in her hands. She will continually help guide you towards it. She only has a few requisites.
Hope needs you to believe in her. She won’t do your work for you. If you don’t believe the best is yet to come, she can’t convince you that it is. She needs you to trust in her nature. She is most capable and won’t let you down. But if you are unwilling to take her hand, the two of you won’t move forward together.
Hope needs you to take inventory of your unneeded baggage and leave it at the curb. This is the hard part. Because we’ve grown attached to our past, we keep responding to the present like we always have. We will think about our past learned behaviors the same way we think about that stack of paint cans on the basement shelf. We think we might need those someday, but never do. Nevermind that the paint is 20 years old, all dried up and doesn’t match the current color on the wall any longer. Hope is building a new future in your new relationship. The past is irrelevant towards the better future. Hope prefers cooking with fresh ingredients. Everything tastes better that way.
From childhood, we all learned how to respond to pain and disappointment in our own imperfect ways. We had no other choice, especially if we were left alone to fend for ourselves. What little child knows how to respond maturely abandoned by those who should have looked out for us? Hope will require us to reckon with that education. She is the master of the do-over, but she doesn’t want you to do the same thing over. It might be better to call it a Do-New-Over.
Hope knows that for you to enter the Do-Over, she needs you to become a different person. The past version of you isn’t equipped for the better future. And when the better version of you meets the better version of your new partner, there is no turning back. You will no longer keep making the same old mistakes. The two of you are brand new and you get to create a brand new future, with Hope overseeing the construction.
A new relationship can bring an amazing new start, but without dealing with the baggage, the happiness will never live past that initial start. Trauma will inevitably take over and leave us in the same place before the new one begins.
We were all wounded in a relationship. And Hope wants to see to it that we are healed in one, too.
The Best is Yet to Come
Thanks for reading.