Six years ago, I was inducted into the International Society of Widows and Widowers. Soon after, I began to regularly meet other members who also had become members without their consent. It’s amazing how we all seem to come out of the woodwork and find each other. I randomly (seemingly) met many who had lost a spouse or partner. Everyone had a story. And everyone told theirs differently.
Of the grieving men and women with which I spoke, the ones who seemed to be doing well despite their loss had one thing in common: They understood what it means to be gracious. Not in the manner of being courteous and pleasant. But rather they possessed a grateful spirit that transcended their grief.
Gratitude isn’t an act. It’s a state of being. And because of this, Gratitude can be misunderstood. But it’s this state of being that leads to an unusual life that is easy to spot and difficult to miss.
A grateful person has a radiance about them. They have a gravity surrounding their life and curious folk seem to orbit around them, like planets around the sun. You get drawn into the warmth of their story. And you may not even be aware of it..
We have a little practice in our family every year at the Thanksgiving table. Everyone in attendance writes down three things they are thankful for and then everyone takes a turn sharing their three. We then glue the little notes on a page in the form of a feather on a paper turkey to save our memories. I started when the kids were little and now we’re up to over 30 paper turkeys. If our house starts burning down, this stack is one of the first things I will rescue and save. The Spirit of Gratitude loves activities like ours. You might say it spreads its wings and glides along this kind of transaction.
But Gratitude doesn’t begin with counting your blessings. It starts long before that. Gratitude transcends the physical and experiential stuff for which you are thankful. It includes it, but Gratitude has a deeper place worthy of exploring.
If Gratitude was based on having things, what happens when those things are taken away? Loss has a trying effect on the soul. It reveals what the heart is made of. Is it possible to be grateful in loss? What did my fellow Widows and Widowers understand that many do not?
Gratitude starts with a heart that is free.
Loss obviously isn’t favorable, but neither is it the end of joy. Those who believe there is no hope are tempted to turn bitter. And a bitter person isn’t enjoyable to be around.
Thus the enemy of Gratitude is Demand.
Gratitude can’t be held in a closed fist or spoken through a clenched jaw. Demand shuts down the soul. Demand is the quickest way to bondage. When we begin to make demands of this Life and Life doesn’t come through, now what? Imagine this statement:
IT’S NOT FAIR!!!! I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!
It’s OK and even important to scream that aloud. Venting is a part of grief. Anger is a part of grief, but he’s still not coming back. Eventually you have to make a reckoning.
So now what? How do I make a reckoning with loss?
Gratitude isn’t being thankful for the loss and the pain and sorrow it causes. Gratitude doesn’t turn a blind eye to the abrupt change of life and the reality of now being alone. It’s so much bigger than that. It’s foolish to believe that Gratitude is that shallow.
There is a similarity of the bitter soul with the addict. Both are experiencing tremendous pain. Both are looking for something to soothe, to heal, to forget what and why it hurts. Both can get stuck in their demands. And the difficult reality to swallow is knowing those demands are never going to be met. And to keep trying to demand relief is a dead end street.
But Gratitude sees beyond the pain. Gratitude knows that there is so much more beyond the immediate and temporary experience, even though it doesn’t feel like it.
When the understanding of Gratitude floats higher than my circumstances, of what I get or don’t get, of what I have or don’t have, my heart can become free. Free as it was intended to be. Free to enjoy every moment. Free to savor that day with my dog right before the vet injected him and ended his suffering. Free to remember him as the best dog I ever had. Free to let those memories be important, and yet, painful.
The beauty of Gratitude is that she meets you where you are and takes you however she finds you. She understands your pain and doesn’t expect you to snap out of it. She wants to show you her way of life. To learn how to follow Gratitude into the Valley of the Shadow of Death is to discover you have the most ample of tour guides.
May your Thanksgiving take on new meaning this year.
Thanks for reading.