Let’s say you’re in a waiting room, in line to see your doctor. You find a seat and a conversation with a random stranger sitting next to you ensues. Suddenly and bluntly, the person begins telling you a story. You aren’t interested, but it quickly becomes a really outrageous one, so you set your phone down and pause with growing interest.
The stranger is describing a person they hate, but it’s not a person he knows or has had any relationship with. The storytelling grows agitated and outsized in emotion, especially for such an innocuous setting. You want out of this awkward moment and keep looking for the door for the nurse to call your name so you can escape the bizarre encounter.
It doesn’t take long into the story that you realize he is describing you, but the person does not know who you are, nor do you know him. As he continues, it’s clear to you that this person doesn’t have his facts straight. He has your name wrong, but knows your profession. He somehow knows where you grew up and even your age, but nothing else matches up.
But he is venting it in such a convincing way, it causes you to pause and question what you know to be real. Your name is called and your relief is palpable as you part ways with the unwelcome stranger.
As you do, you sit alone in the exam room for what seems an eternity while you wait on the doctor. And the rumination begins.
Who is that guy? Have I met him before? How did he know so much about me?
Self-Doubt starts to eat at you.
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I got a text this morning from a good friend. The topic was related to the first question God asked of man. From the book of Genesis:
“Who told you that you were naked?”
The context of the question stems from the result of Adam and Eve taking a bite of the apple that they were instructed not to eat. They immediately felt shame and remorse. They knew they had done something wrong. And God intervened:
“Who told you?”
As is with most accusations. “Where did you get that information from?”
The simple conclusion: Someone else told you that.
—-
The man who mentored me in the days prior to my wedding 36 years ago told me that he believed every human dilemma is outlined in the book of Genesis. Anger. Jealousy. Greed. Lust. And so on. He told me if he were to study one book of the Ancient Text, he would choose Genesis. And I see his insight many years later.
How much of my identity is shaped by what someone else thinks?
Who told me I was unforgivable?
Who told me I was dumb?
Who told me I was not enough?
Where did I get that information?
Like listening to the man in the waiting room describe his hatred of me. Even though he doesn’t know me, his words carried weight that felt true, but were anything but.
I grew up in a faith tradition that dictated what I believed. This dictation was based on a set of strict rules, mostly couched in anger, that led me to a sense of never being enough. Nevermind what I thought in my soul. I was to do as I was told. Therefore I bought in so thoroughly that I didn’t think I could question it in the least. It took several years before I came to terms with my deepest identity as a son of my Creator, not as a naked sinner destined for abandonment. The One who fathers his child is the One who always wants that son to know he is welcome back home.
Identity says I can’t go to sleep on what you believe. Rest is rooted in that which I am convinced.
I left the ministry 20 years ago to find my faith again. Some would call this Deconstruction. That’s someone else’s term. Not mine. I prefer Awakening.
I had an awakening about 25 years ago when I left The Church As We Know It and set out to find an expression of faith for which I believed I was intended. The Church As I Knew It felt like just another expression of Corporation and I knew I would never thrive in it.
Many friends I know who are deconstructing are still stuck in what someone else thinks. Some feel a little guilty. Others are still uncertain if they are doing the right thing. Which is why it’s a personal journey. Faith will often flourish in the wilderness where there aren’t many around to affirm your choice.