In a gross simplification, people can tend to land in one of two camps. There are rule keepers and rule breakers. One group finds safety in keeping the rules and the other feels the persistent need to break them, regardless. One likes the sense of direction rules provide. The other resists the thought of ever being told what to do.
I know this because I raised one of each. I would have adjusted my parenting style had I understood this need more fully when they were younger. But I can’t go backward and do it again. I can, however, put into play what I have discovered about the reason for rules in the first place.
When a child is young, they need structure to help keep them safe. Without the rules, they don’t have the intellect or development to discern danger like a parent does. So we teach them how to abide by statements like, Don’t play in the street. Don’t play with fire. Don’t say that word. And so on. Depending on the personality, there will be varying degrees of acceptance and push back..
But even at a young age, the parent can’t lose sight of what the child is to become in their development. Compliance should never be the goal. If it is, then the rule-keeper goes unnoticed because they are the good kid and don’t require attention while the rule breaker gets labeled as rebellious rather than sensitive and curious. In both cases, neither child is attuned to and doesn’t receive what is most important. In my case, the love and affection of their father.
In my Great Do-Over, I’ve had the chance to talk with both of my kids about this during their time at home. I made some mistakes as a young dad that I wish I could go back and do differently, but Redemption allows me to move forward knowing that I will never stop being a parent. I did what I knew to do at the time, and I can allow my perspective to change as I keep growing. So how will I keep investing in my children?
One chief difference in parenting adult children is that I don’t do it with rules anymore. If I am still telling them what to do, I’ve missed the memo about what dad needs to provide. Their maturity is rooted in their trust with me. And the less trust there is, the less confidence they feel as they make decisions on their own. If the relationship between parent and child centers around compliance, the child will never reach fullness as it was intended.
Rules are baseline structures. There will always be a need for rules in society. They help to keep a community safe. They help regulate actions like speeding, noise and sanitation from getting out of control. But rules don’t change behavior. The sign that says 25mph in the school zone doesn’t help that driver know how to not be in such a hurry and why the need for speed might be rooted in something other than thinking the rule shouldn’t apply here.
But on a personal, individual level, outside rules can’t serve an inward need for nurture and belonging. It pains me to hear of a parent rejecting their child because they don’t believe like them. The adult child has chosen a different path and is burdened with carrying the void of not keeping the family rules because they look at life differently.
So which is more damaging, the parent demanding the grown child keep the rule or the child living in the pain of being exiled?
