Something is stirring in me, something very good, and the most natural way for me to pay attention to it is through writing. I don’t know what it is yet, but the Inner Voice says to start writing it down or else. The “or else” part is aptly described by Anne Lamott in her words:
You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves in your heart—your stories, visions, memories, songs, your truth, your version of things, in your voice.
An ancient prophet described it this way:
The words are fire in my belly, a burning in my bones. I’m worn out trying to hold it in. I can’t do it any longer.
What does that burning sensation feel like? Just like any fire, there is warmth and there is also danger. A fire can destroy, or it can keep me alive through a cold night. It is alluring and mesmerizing to stare into. But if fuel and oxygen isn’t provided, that fire will smother and benefit no one.
On November 02, 2019, I feel like I completed my most major assignment in life by keeping my vow, “till death do us part.” I thought that the finish line would come when we were old and had fewer days remaining in this life. But it didn’t work out that way. I am now left with a big question, “now what?”
I’ve grappled with this question before, the first time came as I graduated college 34 years ago. My education was completed and I held a Bachelor of Science degree. Now what? I recall being uptight and anxious, feeling the need to figure everything out and get it right. The uncertainty of it all was nerve wracking.
Fast forward to 2020. She’s gone. Now what? Same question, but different feelings.
Gone is the anxiety of having to get it all figured out. The Fire in My Bones is providing me warmth as I continue to release it and keep adding fuel to it. What felt like a scorching as a young man of 23 is allowing the elder of 56 to become focused and patient. I prefer the latter over the former.
I no longer have anything to lose, because it’s already lost. I was faithful to see that calling all the way to the end. So whatever comes next, lets go. I’m ready to lace up the shoes and keep running.
He who has nothing to lose can afford all risks.
–Harriet Beecher Stowe