I feel like I turned a corner a couple of weeks ago in my grief process. Light is returning to my eyes and I am not squinting as much any more.
I am acquainted enough with grief to know that I need not fear this condition. Isn’t it easy to be fearful when things are going well? Fear is lurking nearby, whispering it’s destructive message. “Yeah, but It won’t last.”
Anything good in my life will always be subject to this assault. Blessing, Hope, Prosperity, and Joy are more challenging to embrace than their counterparts. They only feel more dangerous because Fear is lying to me about their true character.
In some cases, the darkness can feel better or at least feels more familiar. The more accustomed I become to the dark places in my life, the more my eyes fear that initial pain of adjustment of coming out of a room with very little light into the bright sunshine.
The medical term for this in the physical experience is heliophobia, the fear of light. It manifests itself in panic and fear when exposed to light. It’s traumatic causes are many, but the base outcome is the same. It leaves the victim in a state of fear. And fear is never a desirable place to live.
I recall in times past where I distrusted people who seemed to have it together. My judgement of them took the condescending tone that they probably aren’t being real or authentic or must be living in some kind of bubble. My fear of their light stemmed from the fact that I refused to believe that things could actually be better than what I am experiencing right now. So I must be right and they must be wrong.
I’m happy to repent of that position now. I’ve come to embrace Grief for a season as a necessary portion of Life. But it’s not a place that I want to live. I will visit from time to time when invited back there, but the Light is where I choose to dwell and be awake. I see better as a result. And when I see better, I make better choice. And better choices lead to better relationships. On and on it goes.
Light has powerful healing properties and by faith I will rest in my belief that when the night begins to surround me again, tomorrow will eventually come. The sun will rise. I will feel its warmth. I will see clearly once again.