Does Hope have its limitations?
It might seem like it to anyone who has had a loved one take their life. Death is difficult enough on its own. When it is self-inflicted, it goes to a new level of pain.
I’ve had a few friends who have taken that path. All of them young. I can still feel the churning in my gut upon hearing the news of death. One particular night, I went out to the dumpster in the alley behind the kitchen and sat down on the curb and sobbed. I distinctly remember going through thoughts of feeling like we had lost, not just a life, but a battle for a life. What could I have done to prevent this from happening?
I know intellectually their death was not my fault, but sometimes I can’t help feeling like it was. In my reflex to help try to make sense of the ache, I can miss the greater question. What will I do now in light of this tragedy?
For me, one step in a new direction is to never be silent on the subject. To do that, I choose to write and tell my story, how Hope stepped in and gave me new life. I can’t make choices for someone else, but I can give it my best effort to influence them in a positive direction. I can’t just assume that depression and mental illness isn’t treatable or curable. Hope is an incredibly contagious ideal. Why assume the dark side has all the power? Even a tiny match can illuminate a very dark room.
I’ve had suicidal ideation in the past, when my whole world was falling apart. What I remember about that season was how much it made sense in my broken mind. I remember believing I was a burden, a failure and an embarrassment. I felt totally worthless. Despair was closing in on me and I was losing my will to keep going.
I’m glad those days are behind me, but I won’t forget them. Because of that experience, I now have insight into depression that I never had before The depressed mind doesn’t think correctly and it is hard to change, But Hope keeps guiding my steps forward. I will wave my banner of Hope to all who can see it and maybe in doing, impart some strength to those who need it.
Thank you so much for sharing this experience, this truth. We are walking the line between dark and light, life and death in our home, wondering if and when hope will take hold again in our son. We all play a significant role in each other’s well-being and then, ultimately, healing belongs to our God. So glad hope returned to you, glad for your voice in this battle.